Raising awareness about eating disorders is crucial, as so many suffer in silence. I know this because I was one of them.
I personally went through this difficult journey with bulimia nervosa from my mid-twenties to my early thirties.
I never truly sought medical or psychological help—only once with a doctor and another time with a nutritionist. Why? I was stubborn, ashamed, constantly working, and traveling, and back then, online appointments weren’t common. I wasn’t ready to face it. I thought I could handle it myself. Instead, I medicated myself with cigarettes, alcohol, the gym, exercising, work, and travel—unconsciously avoiding my reality. Looking back, I can see that now.
Eventually, I overcame it, largely thanks to the support of my then-partner, who accepted me without judgment. I also met a man during my struggles who had battled bulimia as well. That encounter was both surprising and relieving—it shattered the misconception that eating disorders only affect women.
At the time, I didn’t fully understand why I was engaging in these behaviors. I lacked awareness of the emotional connections behind the disease. I wasn’t in touch with my trauma. I was in denial. When I quit smoking in my mid-twenties, my eating disorder emerged as a way to maintain control over my weight, fueled by a friend’s warnings about weight gain.
Holistic view
Now, with a deeper understanding of the body and holistic health, I see how suppressing emotions creates imbalances. My struggle was connected to my throat chakra—the area of self-expression. I rewarded myself with comfort food, then punished myself by purging, convincing myself that everything was okay while pushing forward with work and numbing my stress through weekend partying. Alcohol gave me the confidence to dance and express myself, but it also contributed to a destructive cycle.
Despite the chaos, I did the best I could with the tools I had. Dancing at least allowed me to release some energy and experience moments of joy. But the high standards I set for myself, combined with the responsibilities of my job, made it difficult to break free.
Eventually, with my partner’s support, I stopped. Just like that. The first day led to a week, then a month. I started to trust that I was done. But healing isn’t linear. A few months later, I faced a test—I had been drinking, ate something that didn’t sit well, and felt sick. The battle in my mind was intense. I had promised myself never to force vomiting again, but the nausea was overwhelming. I cried, torn between my past and my commitment to healing. My partner held space for me, helping me navigate that moment without falling back into old patterns. I vomited and it was okay, because the causal connection was different in that situation.
The Deeper Healing Journey
A couple of years later, I began studying yoga. At first, I was drawn to the physical practice, dismissing the stillness of yogis as boring. But over time, that stillness found me. And with it came self-awareness—of my past pain, my suppressed emotions, my patterns. I connected the dots.
I realized how the mind, when left untreated, layers trauma upon trauma, just like an untreated infection spreads in the body. Suppressed pain doesn’t disappear—it manifests in different ways. Through yoga, shadow work, self-study, energy healing, and various holistic modalities, I started peeling back the layers.
But the real breakthrough came with self-love. Through my teachers, fellow students, moon circles, and yoga communities, I found kindness, acceptance, and the space to heal. I learned to embrace my emotions rather than suppress them. I softened, allowing my feminine energy to emerge after years of living in a masculine, structured, achievement-driven mindset.
I also reconsidered my relationship with my body. For years, I resented my menstrual cycle, seeing it as an inconvenience rather than honoring its natural rhythm. I had relied on birth control pills to regulate and suppress it, avoiding connection with my body’s wisdom. Healing meant reclaiming that connection too.
For Those Struggling
If you recognize yourself in any of this, know that awareness and acceptance are the first steps towards healing. Acknowledge your struggle, but don’t let it define you. You are worthy of love, support, and healing. Seek guidance, embrace your emotions, and allow yourself to truly feel. You are not broken—you are unfolding.
For anyone needing support, I offer one-on-one coaching sessions incorporating yoga, personal training, and holistic healing practices. If you’re ready to take the first step, I offer a free 30-minute consultation call. Reach out via email, WhatsApp, or book through my calendar.
Sending love and a gentle hug—wrap your own arms around yourself and hold on. You are enough. You always have been.
With love,
Saija
Useful links for awareness:
https://syomishairioliitto.fi/
Mielenterveystalo
https://www.raiderreader.org/eating-disorder-awareness-week/
https://www.aivosaatio.fi/ajankohtaista/nuorten-syomishairiot/
